Proud to live another year

A lot of people look back on the year and have regrets and hope for a better year the next.  When I look back on my year I know there were mistakes I made and things I wish did not happen, but I know that all of that happened to make me stronger in the next year.

In January I was pretty sick while training in the NICU.  I had two weeks of a horrible flu and couldn't believe I was that sick.  There were so many times in those two weeks that I wished I could just go to sleep and wake up again when I felt better.  However, I always thought of the children with cancer and how they felt 10x worse that I did and it was just a small sickness compared to what they go through.

In February I struggled to work days while training in the ICU.  I am so glad that I had a struggle because I got put on nights with the best preceptor ever.  I learned so much, had some really interesting patients, and developed my love for the ICU.

In March my manager told me that she wanted me to become PALS  (Pediatric Advanced Life Support) certified so that I could become a SWAT nurse.  I put that in the back of my head because I had just started to date someone and had more focus on that.

In April I turned 27 and realized that life was flying by.  I also received an award from Turning Point as Everyday Woman.  This was a true honor and a beautiful banquet for a handful of women who contribute to society in many ways.   It was great to hear Kim Worthy talk about how we all need to come together and unite to help society.  

In May I finished another semester of school and had been a nurse for 2 years.  I also became PALS certified and started training for SWAT nursing.

In June I became a SWAT nurse and decided to go on a mission trip in 2015.

In July I took on a big project, The Beer Tent at the Wyandotte Street Fair for the Jaycees.  In 4 days I helped organize and manage workers pouring beer from 11 am-12pm, raising almost 100,000 for the City of Wyandotte and the Jaycees.  I also graduated with my Bachelor's of Science in Nursing.  

In August my family faced some of the worst issues but it brought my mother and I so much closer.  We had to support one another and learn how to make decisions very quickly.  I also learned that no matter how bad family can act, we are always family and we need to support and help one another.

In September I took my first vacation in a wile.  I also took a job as a part time Nursing Instructor at Children's Hospital for Monroe.  I learned so much about myself  

In October I became the Director of For A Day foundation, a foundation that has been near to my heart for 5 years now.  I did not know why the issues with Camp Quality happened and I kept thinking I needed something else, and that something else happened to be director of FAD.  I am excited to take on this journey and see where we head as an organization.  The guy I was dating for the past 8 months decided that he didnt want to get married or have children in his future so we parted ways and although I was heartbroken, it is what it is.  I just wished we had never dated because our friendship is a bit ruined now.

In November and December I worked a lot of overtime at the hospital and really learned a lot about myself.  I was put here on this Earth to help others and there is nothing more I would rather do than help others.  I learn so much everyday I am at work because I have amazing coworkers.

I also gained the weight back that I wanted to gain to be at a health weight because I have had issues with gaining weight since my gallbladder came out.

I did not buy a house like I wanted to this past year, but that is okay.  I would rather be houseless than living in a house that requires a lot of work and TLC.  When I buy a house I want one I can move into without little work.

I also did not foster a child this year, but next year I will be more ready than I was this year.  I will accomplish the rest of my training in the early part of the year.

2015 will be a great year, I am starting it off with a vacation, I hope to have a great relationship, buy a house, and start my masters of nursing in education.    

What doesn't kill you only makes you stronger

During the past year there were times that I thought God hated me and I was having the worst year of my life.  However, when reflecting back I know that God only gives us what he KNOWS we can handle.  The strongest people have the worst deck of cards handed to them because they can use it to make a change and help others.

January-I am orienting in the NICU and I pass out cold twice.  Influenza B and a week off work.  Body pains, fever, headache.  I thought I was dying.  Why me?  Because I can handle being sick. 

March-I am orienting in PICU on days and I cannot sleep.  Why can I not sleep when I am putting in 12 hours of work and volunteering on top of that?  God had a different plan.  He needed me to go back to nights so I could be paired with an amazing preceptor and be able to learn from some of the best experiences.  My preceptor found me some sick kids to take care of and shared his enthusiasm with me every night.  He believed in me and allowed me to explain myself before he told me what I needed to do if I was wrong.  This is the reason why I have learned to love being an ICU trained nurse.  

May-I am freezing my buns off in the rain volunteering at the Belle Isle race for For a Day and I learn that our director from Camp Quality has been told she needs to resign due to personality conflict.  I am hurt and pissed off that someone is using their power to ruin something that was working so well. Our organizing committee had the whole camp planned out and everyone got along really well, but the executive director had a prerogative.  At this point I realized I needed to step away because I cannot support someone who allows power and personality to get in the way.  I was told that I wasn't there for the kids then if I was not going to attend camp.  Those words hurt.  I do so much in the off part of the year when we are not at camp and to be told I wasn't thinking of them was a stab in the back.  I took not going to camp pretty hard.  This had been my life for 9 years.  I did not realize why this all happened until we fast forward a few months to November and I became the director of For a Day Foundation, God had a different plan.  

August-my fathers alcoholism spiraled out of control and I had to call the police and have him arrested.  I am not ashamed at this point to share this because it is something our family faced and it has saved my family and made us all better people.  My father and I had not had a relationship in many many years and now we do, he actually does not call me fat anymore or yell at me.  He appreciates life and has been sober since August 23rd.  I helped him get registered in a therapy program and found him AA meetings to attend and he has grasped that and changed for the better.  By no means was any part of this easy but by fighting through all the hurt and tears there was an end in sight.  Even though at times I wished him dead because of the alcohol, I had to believe in my faith and not doubt it.  God doesn't want us to ever give up but at some point if we make attempts and cannot succeed he wants us to remember we need to take care of ourselves also.  Sometimes people have to hit rock bottom in order to make a change.  You can only lead a horse to water but you cannot make them drink it.  

October-a relationship was going well went south but only because he doesn't think he wants to get married and have kids in the future and he knows family is very important to me and it is something I want so he wanted to make sure I was happy in the end.  Again, good things fall apart so better things can come together, and they have!

My brand new car gets hit a week after getting it.  Why me?  

December-I am exhausted but I agree to stay 16 hours at work.  A fight breaks out in the room I am working in.  A trauma comes through my room and I get shoved against a wall.  I only get a half hour break in 16 hours.  I am yelled at by many many parents because it was the busiest day in the history of Children's Hospital in the ER.  I am ready to just get home since I have to be up in 4 hours and I get stopped and asked a question by a parent on my way out and then 75 is shut down.  I am cussing, mad, want to be in bed.  I am now thankful after talking to a police friend of mine.  Had I been going through there 5 minutes earlier and that parent did not stop me I could have been one of the cars involved in the accidents with semi's.  

Day 1. My vision became blurry and my head started throbbing.  Day 2.  same thing.   At this point I am scared because blurry vision can be a sign of serious issues.  Thankfully all it is, is the fact my body is telling me to slow down and remember I need to focus on my health too.  

2014 has been a hell of a year, but the year has helped me to become such  better person.  When we feel like the world is falling down on us and we are all alone, we have to remember:

Melted Ice Cream

Today I was really wanting ice cream after dinner so my mother, Finn and I went down to Elizabeth Park to walk and eat some ice cream.

1st I was upset because Elizabeth Park was closed unless you were attending Jazzfest.  I did not want to attend Jazzfest I just wanted to walk the dog and eat my ice cream.

2nd My ice cream came like soup in a cup.  I had to throw half of it out because it was melting all over my car and then I barely ate any because it was literally like warm soup in a cup.

Then I thought to myself, why am I getting upset over something this small?  Too often we get upset over the littlest of things.  It creates stress upon us whether we think it does or not.  My whole focus lately had been to not worry about things that do not have a huge impact on my life.  If it doesn't concern me leave it be.  If it concerns the well being of others, help point them in a positive direction and be nice and leave it at that.  I have been having a lot of chest pain lately and I do not need to create this additional worry and stress upon my heart if its unnecessary.

Our lives are so much better than what we think.  We have roofs over our heads, food in our refrigerator, and at least one friend or family member who loves us.  There are so many people who have none of that.  They have a t-shirt, pair of pants and may eat scraps once a day.  There are people who will never eat ice cream again because they will never be able to afford it.  There are people who do not get to walk.

I am blessed and a little melted ice cream should never dampen my attitude.

2 different lives

I sometimes sit and wonder how different two people can be yet they were raised by the same set of parents.  I learned early on that you never lie to your parents and you always respect them.

I was in middle school and I told my mother I was staying the night at a friends house.  In the meantime that friends boyfriends mother picked us up and we were riding around in her van having fun.  At the time, I wanted to be cool with my friends, however now I realize why my mother was so upset when she found out I was not at my friends house and I was actually out on the road.  What if we had gotten into an accident and my mother didn't have a chance to say goodbye?  Yes, that can happen anytime I am in a car but at least she would know where I am or that I was driving at the time.  This time she did not know I was out and about in car.  After seeing all the kids come into traumas at the hospital, she was worried at the time and I understand why.  I have not lied to my mother since then.  It has also helped me to respect her and let her know where I am at all times so that she is not worried or surprised if something happens to me.  Although I am 27, she deserves the respect of that.  I just wish my sister would have learned the same respect

I have also learned that your mother is your best friend.  Although there has been many times where we do not see eye to eye, she is going to be there for me when I need her.  I have never turned my back on my mother despite her not listening to me about my sister at first or when she had to spend so much time trying to get my sisters life back last summer because I know that there are priorities in life and you have to always change on the roller coaster of life, but at the end of the day a mothers love is the same for all of her kids.  When I had moved out and had a more serious boyfriend than in the past I realized that when I was sick, he wasn't there for me, my mother was the one driving over to take me to the ER when I passed out.  I would never put someone before my mother because she's the only one who knows love for me inside and out.

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Pay it Forward

I am a Wyandotte Jaycee.  If you don't know what that is, ask me about it, were pretty awesome.  Today we had a meeting and it had me thinking...

We are in a contest with our Jayteens to see who can Jay it forward more.  Jay it forward is similar to pay it forward.  However, you must take a picture and post it on social media to get credit.  The Jayteens are winning.  Someone made the comment, are we the old folks and that is why we are losing because we aren't always on instagram?  This is so true.  

Everywhere you go take a look.  People are always on their phones.  Every bit of life is documented in a phone now whether it be snapchat, instagram, Facebook, twitter, linked in, etc.   We have lost the meaning behind communication.  We have lost the personal touch.  

When I pay it forward the last thing I am thinking about is social media posts.  I am paying it forward to someone who is less fortunate than myself or not as blessed at that current time.  I surely don't think about snapping a picture of it.  So next time you are out, pay it forward, but pay it forward with your heart, not because you want others to see what you do, but because YOU want to make a difference.  

(by no means do I think it is dumb to snap a photo of paying it forward because its a good way to keep track of truth, but to some it might diverge the meaning and had me thinking of everything being a social media advertisement)

Live your life for you

Today I was reminding of what happened to make a big change in my life.  One year ago I was in a relationship where I thought it was exactly what I wanted.  All my friends were having babies, getting married, and buying houses.  I finally had my career and wanted a baby so bad so why not settle for all of that??  I was spending a lot of time inside our town home with my boyfriends brother and sister in law and not really staying outdoors because its what they always did. They would leave their dog in the town home all day long and it would poop and pee in the basement and they would leave it there, which I was okay with because it meant I was still living with him even though I have never lived in filth and germs.  I was settling because I wanted the "perfect life."

A doctor at my job decided to kiss me and tell me, "Now tell me that the only thing you thought of was your boyfriend during that and that you are truly happy with him."  I couldn't, because I wasn't truly happy and I felt something new.  That kiss meant nothing more than to just realize I was in something that was not making me happy and I was not being myself.  Thank you to that doctor who helped me realize my happiness is not worth settling, it is worth fighting for myself and my goals.

I had allowed myself to get lazy because my boyfriend slept till 3 pm on his days off and really didnt do much.  I didn't go out on weekends because he was always working.

So I decide to move on.  I moved out and broke up with him.  Best choice of my life!

A year later, I have changed jobs and do not work around a guys schedule.  I am excelling at my job and have been given the opportunity to join the SWAT team of nurses due to my performance at work.  I am in a resource pool so I have had the opportunity of meeting all the doctors, nurses, assistants, etc in the hospital.  I feel truly blessed to know and count on so many people.

I am now Pediatric Advanced Life Support certified.  This allowed me to be given the opportunity to join the SWAT team.

I am traveling with friends.  Something I have not done before.  I cannot wait to go on a 7 day cruise in 8 months with 36 other people!  

I have two amazing guy friends who push me to my potential.  One is kind and passionate about others so he is always pushing me to help others.  One is as sarcastic and sassy as I am and challenges my every move.  They have helped me to realize what a best friend is again and how important it is to have one.

Do not settle for what you think you want.  Remember that you have one life to live and you must live it for you.   Set some goals and do not stop until you get there.

When life hands you lemons....

I had an awesome night at work last night, other than getting puked on but as soon as I walked in the door it seemed like everything that could go wrong did.

I was petting Finnigan and he decided he wanted to headbutt me and split my lip open.  A half hour later and an ice cube the bleeding finally stopped.  Needless to say I have a nice hole in my lip and it hurts to eat (which is horrible for me since I love food).

A little later my mom and I were moving furniture and the dresser came onto my foot.  Hurt like a mother trucker but I kept moving stuff.

I decided to try and sleep and got 1.5 hours of sleep.  Its all good, new mothers survive on that all the time.  I figured I mise well not waste my day sleeping when its so nice out.

Later I treated my mom to lunch for helping me and we stopped by the fruit market on the way home.  I was unloading the cart and ended up smashing my finger in the cart.  An urgent care trip later, my finger was drained of blood and glued together (Im a chicken with stitches, something about that fish hook looking things).

So needless to say today has not been my day.  However, we can't have good days all the time.  I will go to bed early tonight, dust it off, and take the lemons that were handed to me today and make lemonade for tomorrow.

Too cool for School

"We don't need no education...."

I am not registered for fall classes for the first time in 24 years and I am lost.  All I have known for my life is going to school and I am kind of worried about not going.  It is going to be a big void in my life.  I am so used to going to school full time and working multiple jobs that I will need to find a hobby or something.

Of course I do have plans to become a Nursing professor so I need my masters but I do not know if that is what I want to do for sure yet, and I need more experience to be able to teach.  

Education may be the key to achieving a career, however, it is the experience that makes us valuable. You can learn all you want from the book, but if you cannot apply it in your career, it is pointless.  In so many professions, things are not black and white like the text in the book.  You have to critically think and use a process to figure something out.

Age is only a number

We hear a lot of people complain about getting old and how they hate it.

I just turned 27 years old Sunday and I do not feel like I am 27.  My body feels no different than when I was 26.  I never understand how people "feel" older but maybe when I hit 30 I will feel it.

I do feel wiser though.  My life plan when I was in high school was as follows:

Get married at 23-24ish, have my first child, be working as a teacher so I have the summers off, and then second child by 26, 27ish.

Well, I am 27, I am not married and I do not have children.  I am alright with that.  My father is on me everyday about getting married or having a boyfriend.  Why would I want that right now when I am having the time of my life?

It is not fair to search for someone or subject someone to my crazy life right now.  By no means am I out doing drugs and partying, but crazy to me is doing something for others every night of the week.  I literally have to check my planner every time someone wants to hangout.  It is what I love to do.  I love to volunteer and make other peoples lives better and have an impact on their success.  I am so blessed with good health and finances that I want to be there for those who have had to struggle more than I have.

As for the kids, I have 60 some campers, a bunch of For a Day kids, and all the children I take care of at the hospital as my children, that is enough.  I really do have baby fever, especially with the birth of my sorority sister Kelly's nugget.  However, baby fever has to wait until I am married.  The thought of fostering children has really been in my head but I think about who will watch them when I work at night.  There are not daycares open overnight like during the day.  Children will come when the time is right.

My biggest goal this year is to buy a house.  I am not the type who will rent and rent and rent and have nothing to show for it.  If I am paying that big of a price, I want the house in the end to show for all that money.  Plus, house payments are cheaper sometimes.  So as for 27, it will be the year of house searching and finding somewhere new as home.

27 will also be the year of being done with school for a wile.  I keep contemplating going back because for 22 years all I have known is school....but lets take a break for a wile.

So when they say age is only a number, yes it is only a number.  With age comes wisdom, and that wisdom is something that will carry us a longer way than our age.    

Sisterhood

I recited a purpose many times over the course of two years.  This purpose has helped me to become the woman I am today and I never regret spending money to have friends.  Everyone always ridiculed me about paying for friendship.  I did not pay for friendships because 7 years later I am still very good friends with many sorority sisters.  I gained so much more than a friendship, I gained leadership skills and the ability to live with purpose.  As  I travel to Canada with one of my sisters to truly and literally celebrate International Reunion Day of Alpha Gamma Delta, I will remember this purpose, and the positivity that flows from it.

To gain understanding that wisdom may be vouchsafed to me. In 27 years, many people have given me their wisdom.  Wisdom is the best key to life.  You cannot learn everything in school, it is the wisdom from those who have already gone through it that will help you see the world in a positive light.  

To develop and prize health and vigor of body.   We must be conscious of our health and our body.  Being conscious does not mean skin and bones or exercising everyday.  It means moderation and keeping our lungs open and our hearts pumping.

To cultivate acquaintance with many whom I meet.  You will not be best friends with everyone you meet.  It is important to become acquaintance with those you meet because you never know when they will cross your path or what they will teach you.   I have been fortunate to meet many people and cross paths with a lot of positive successful people who have helped me to get where I am today.  

To cherish friendships with but a chosen few and to study the perfecting of those friendships.  I would rather have 4 quarters than 100 pennies.  I do not have a million friends and I am okay with that.  I have a few close friends whom I can rely on in any given situation to provide insight and support where I need it.   

To welcome the opportunity of contributing to the world's work in the community where I am placed because of the joy of service thereby bestowed and the talent of leadership multiplied.  This sums up my life motto right here.  Contributing to the community is the best give I have ever been given.  I am so glad I was taught to help others because it truly is a need our community has.  Leadership is something Alpha Gamma Delta taught me and I will always use that in my positions I hold.     

To honor my home, my country, my religious faith. Home is what creates us.  However, a bad home situation is not an excuse for poor decisions.  We learn what our parents believe is right and wrong but that does not always mean we have to believe in the same.  But we are lucky to have a home, a community where we grew.  Our country may not believe in what we do, but it gives us freedom to go after our goals and dreams. Our faith is something that gets us by when we need hope.  No matter what you believe in, it will help you through a struggle.  You have to believe there is something at the end of every road.  

To hold truth inviolable, sincerity essential, kindness invaluable.  Truth should always be respected.  I have learned that telling the truth saves people from being hurt.  It may not be what you want to hear, but it is going to be the right thing to hear in the end.  We must be sincere.  Think of everyone as someones loved one.  Would you want to be treated without sincerity?  Kindness is so valuable.  When you are kind to others, you will live a positive life.   

To covet beauty in environment, manner, word and thought.  There is beauty even in ugly things.  Who defines ugly?  We do.  If you believe that there is beauty in something, you are right.  There is no one that can say something is ugly other than yourself.  Think positive and beauty will flow.   

To possess high ideals and to attain somewhat unto them.   We must have a set of ideals.  If you do not have ideals then you have nothing to strive for.  What is life if we do not have some type of wishes, goals, inspiration.  We cannot be perfect so we must attain to somewhat unto them, not 100% otherwise we would not learn if we did not make mistakes.  

This shall be my purpose that those who know me may esteem Alpha Gamma Delta for her attainments, revere her for her purposes and love her for her Womanhood.

Twerk It

We wonder why society it turning into so much negativity.

I encountered a woman the other night who had a four year old daughter.  She told her daughter to put her hands on mama and show Miss Megan how to twerk it.  I would have loved to see a picture of my face at this point because I swung my head around and said, "At 4 I was doing the if your happy and you know it and hokey pokey songs/dances."  The mother let me know that girls need to know how to twerk it in this generation.

I guess I must be old.

Nope, I must have been raised with standards.

Later on the same woman decided to tell someone on the phone that she would twerk it for him for $20's after getting loaded on patron at the bar in front of the same 4 year old.

I wonder about the future generation.  These are the kids who are going to be servicing me when I need it.  I am scared.  I wonder when we will focus on respect again instead of getting by any way you can.  Don't get me wrong, times are tough for everyone, but when do we allow our standards to sink down and teach the next generation that it is okay to get loaded and take money for unjust reason.

We need to remember that getting to the top takes hard work.  We must have standards that are set for ourselves not for others.  When others do not meet the standards we have set for ourselves then we must move on and realize that not everyone has the same kind of support but we can always be there to support someone who needs it.

Say Yes and mean it

Our priest had an amazing sermon today that really relates as to how I live my life.

He was stating that we shouldn't always say, "No, and I mean No."  We should be saying, "yes," more often.  This is something I have always thought because of my job.  When you tell someone what they should not do, they are more apt to not listening to you because the think you are lecturing them. When you let someone know what they can do, it gives them a bit more motivation and drive because you are letting them know what they have the ability to do.

No is a word that I do not hear very often.  I am a person who is always on the go and always wanting to achieve more so yes is a word that has satisfied me more.  Everyone tells me that I should tell others No more often but after today, Father Ed has affirmed that Yes is the correct answer.  When I am asked to do one more thing, I can be confident in saying, yes I can do this instead of that while giving an alternative maybe not the full task at hand and not just say no I cannot help you.  

Winter Compaints

Why is it snowing again?  I cannot believe I have to drive in this.  Is it ever going to end?  Why don't I just move to Florida?  I cannot wait for summer.  I wish my job had snow days.  Another snow day for the kids, really?    

These are all complaints from people this winter.  Then when summer gets here it will be so hot people cannot stand it.  

Yes, the cold weather and the snow is not ideal this year but its life.  There are so many more issues to worry about in life than the snow that is on the ground.  

Who cares if your child is home another day and you didn't have snow days when you were a kid you had to bundle up?  What if your child died of cancer at 8 years old?  That parent does not have the extra 6 hours to spend with a child like you will with your child today.   Cherish your children.  They may not be here today, tomorrow, or next year.  

So, you have a snow day, yippee, what about the postal carrier who is delivering your mail in -20 degree weather?  or the city worker who is getting the water main break fixed while being covered in water and ice so that you can take a shower?  Yes, we all like days off of work but that is what vacations are for.  Instead of celebrating your snow day, take a hot chocolate or coffee to those outdoor workers.  Do something for someone instead of yourself.  

It now took me 2 hours to get to work instead of 45 minutes.  You are alive aren't you?  You have a job right?  Some people didn't come home from work today, they ended up having a heart attack in the parking lot because of the cold air and their wife will never say I love you again.  The man walking the streets is trying to find wood to burn to keep his kids warm in the house because he does not have a job.  So we get less sleep and drive more.  But we are blessed, with cars, homes, and a job.  

Remember, life is a blessing.  Positivity instead of negativity.  

A smile goes a long way

There is a security guard I see every morning and he always says, "Happy Monday" or "Happy Tuesday, etc," and the one day I said it back to him and a nurse started laughing at me.  She was making fun of me and I looked back at her and explained to her it is something that makes him happy and he enjoys his job.  You are over here complaining about everything under the sun, so obviously you need to find something to make you happier.

It does not matter how someone spreads their happiness, but it could change someones day.  Maybe he says this to the mother who had her child at 28 weeks and is in the NICU and that one "Happy Tuesday" is what she remembers from her stay at the hospital.  Or it could be to the housekeeper who just had to clean up a bunch of nasty rooms and she thinks it may not be so bad after he says that to her.

A smile can change the way someone thinks and positive thoughts can help someone through a bad day.