During the past year there were times that I thought God hated me and I was having the worst year of my life. However, when reflecting back I know that God only gives us what he KNOWS we can handle. The strongest people have the worst deck of cards handed to them because they can use it to make a change and help others.
January-I am orienting in the NICU and I pass out cold twice. Influenza B and a week off work. Body pains, fever, headache. I thought I was dying. Why me? Because I can handle being sick.
March-I am orienting in PICU on days and I cannot sleep. Why can I not sleep when I am putting in 12 hours of work and volunteering on top of that? God had a different plan. He needed me to go back to nights so I could be paired with an amazing preceptor and be able to learn from some of the best experiences. My preceptor found me some sick kids to take care of and shared his enthusiasm with me every night. He believed in me and allowed me to explain myself before he told me what I needed to do if I was wrong. This is the reason why I have learned to love being an ICU trained nurse.
May-I am freezing my buns off in the rain volunteering at the Belle Isle race for For a Day and I learn that our director from Camp Quality has been told she needs to resign due to personality conflict. I am hurt and pissed off that someone is using their power to ruin something that was working so well. Our organizing committee had the whole camp planned out and everyone got along really well, but the executive director had a prerogative. At this point I realized I needed to step away because I cannot support someone who allows power and personality to get in the way. I was told that I wasn't there for the kids then if I was not going to attend camp. Those words hurt. I do so much in the off part of the year when we are not at camp and to be told I wasn't thinking of them was a stab in the back. I took not going to camp pretty hard. This had been my life for 9 years. I did not realize why this all happened until we fast forward a few months to November and I became the director of For a Day Foundation, God had a different plan.
August-my fathers alcoholism spiraled out of control and I had to call the police and have him arrested. I am not ashamed at this point to share this because it is something our family faced and it has saved my family and made us all better people. My father and I had not had a relationship in many many years and now we do, he actually does not call me fat anymore or yell at me. He appreciates life and has been sober since August 23rd. I helped him get registered in a therapy program and found him AA meetings to attend and he has grasped that and changed for the better. By no means was any part of this easy but by fighting through all the hurt and tears there was an end in sight. Even though at times I wished him dead because of the alcohol, I had to believe in my faith and not doubt it. God doesn't want us to ever give up but at some point if we make attempts and cannot succeed he wants us to remember we need to take care of ourselves also. Sometimes people have to hit rock bottom in order to make a change. You can only lead a horse to water but you cannot make them drink it.
October-a relationship was going well went south but only because he doesn't think he wants to get married and have kids in the future and he knows family is very important to me and it is something I want so he wanted to make sure I was happy in the end. Again, good things fall apart so better things can come together, and they have!
My brand new car gets hit a week after getting it. Why me?
December-I am exhausted but I agree to stay 16 hours at work. A fight breaks out in the room I am working in. A trauma comes through my room and I get shoved against a wall. I only get a half hour break in 16 hours. I am yelled at by many many parents because it was the busiest day in the history of Children's Hospital in the ER. I am ready to just get home since I have to be up in 4 hours and I get stopped and asked a question by a parent on my way out and then 75 is shut down. I am cussing, mad, want to be in bed. I am now thankful after talking to a police friend of mine. Had I been going through there 5 minutes earlier and that parent did not stop me I could have been one of the cars involved in the accidents with semi's.
Day 1. My vision became blurry and my head started throbbing. Day 2. same thing. At this point I am scared because blurry vision can be a sign of serious issues. Thankfully all it is, is the fact my body is telling me to slow down and remember I need to focus on my health too.
2014 has been a hell of a year, but the year has helped me to become such better person. When we feel like the world is falling down on us and we are all alone, we have to remember:
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