Mental Illness

As we wrap up May as Mental Illness Awareness month I can't help but to think how hard May was. 

It is no surprise that my Type A personality deals with generalized anxiety disorder.  I have been on and off medication since beginning nursing school in 2010.  Much of this anxiety probably comes from my life growing up.  So many people tell me that I shouldn't have anxiety because I have an easy life.  I do not know anyone who has had an easy life.  Every single person on this Earth has struggles, and while some may be small or large, it is not up to us to judge if that is easy or hard for someone.

Two years ago in Belize I experienced one of the most horrific times of my life.  I ended up in counseling after and on medication again and have not been able to come off of it since then.  I do not think I will ever get over what happened there because they are things that can never be forgotten and they challenge my trust in people, but I can continue on. 

While my knee surgery doesn't seem like a big deal and many people have it all the time, it caused me to become depressed and seek counseling again.  I was in such a routine with life and routine really helps someone that has anxiety.  My routine was flipped upside down and barely any of it stayed the same.  Dr. Cooke explained two things that could happen during surgery and when I woke up, he did neither, he did a procedure and fixed my knee in a way we did not discuss.

My eating habits had become healthy and  I was working on getting my cholesterol down and had such a routine of what I would eat every day in order to give me the most energy and nutrients that I needed.   I now had zero appetite and ate Oreos for the first week after surgery until my mom brought me Sloppy Toms and I devoured two in less than 5 minutes. 

My sleeping habits were great.  I was going to bed by 9:30 and waking up at 5:30.  I didn't need naps and I felt energized every morning I woke up.  I didn't sleep for the first 3 nights after surgery because I had never slept on my back or on my couch in my life and the charley horses were horrendous. 

I couldn't just go outside and cut my grass or weed my lawn the way I used to.  My laundry had to be done by someone.  I couldn't just run off my porch and down the stairs to grab a package from the mailman so he didn't have to walk all the way up to my door.

I had just started getting out of this funk that I have been in and then this past week Dr. Cooke told me I will never bend my knee past 90 degrees again because of the way he stitched my meniscus back in.  I sat in my car and cried.  I love to get on my yoga mat and sit in childs pose, but that requires my knee to go more than 90 degrees.  I love to do Shaun T's workouts and squat to the ground, but that requires my knee to go more than 90 degrees.  I love to get down on the ground and play with kids at parties or family gatherings, but that requires my knee to go more than 90 degrees. 

It is alright to feel depressed when your routine is changed.  I know (well hope) this is a temporary feeling and that I am strong enough to get out of the funk again.  I am very thankful that I have both of my legs and can still do almost everything I could before, but anyone that tells me that I shouldn't feel a certain way is not educated about mental illness.

I challenge and urge you to never tell someone they should or shouldn't feel some sort of way.  We each have our own story and it is up to us to continue to write that story because of what we have experienced and felt.

We Stand United

What a day!  Left the house for PT early morning, worked all day, attended a dinner celebration for the Woman of the Year which was our own Debbie Dingell, and then finished with the Jaycees meeting!

The greatest thing I did today was attend the honor celebration from the AAUW honoring Debbie.  As Sheila the President of the group spoke and said all of her honors it just gave me goosebumps because Debbie is a woman that I look up to.  She is a woman who did not have it easy to just grow up and into money.  She worked her butt off as a woman who was not seen as equal to men when she was growing up.  She stands at Capitol Hill and fights for the rights of women, and American's, especially senior citizens who have given my generation the ability to live life full of freedom. 

The one thing she said today that I think we all need to remember is that we need to forget about democrat or republican and remember we are American.  Something that has really put me into the funk lately is what she said.  I am so tired of people hating on one another because of what someone believes in.  We are AMERICANS who have been provided freedom by those who have paved the way before us.  If it is so bad here in America, please I urge you to go down to Belize or Guatemala and live in a one room house with 5 people sleeping in one twin bed and dirt floors.  I urge you to try to live on $3.00 a day.  Yes, there are many aspects to our government that are not right, but we are so much more blessed than so many people around the world.  We need to remember that America is where we continue to choose to live and that we must unite together to continue to enjoy the freedoms that we have been granted as citizens here.  Please start putting aside democrat and republican and remember humanity first.

Do we ever know the answers?

I lie awake at 4 am pondering a few questions....and I can't help but to wonder if we ever truly know the good answer or do we just finally make a choice to stop the questioning?

I have always had an interest in travel nursing but am so close to my family I have had a hard time leaving and going somewhere else.  I love everything about Michigan, the culture, Detroit, certain foods and drinks you can only get here, etc.  But I know there is so much more elsewhere.  I am so happy when I am riding my bike or walking on a beach (I hate the direct sun though so I am not happy laying out).  However, will I be happy knowing no one?  I am so outgoing I know that it won't take long to fit in and make new friends, but is that the right choice for me?  I don't know and I have applied to do travel nursing now its just up to me to apply for a position and accept it....we will see come April 27th when I finally have an open schedule.

I have an amazing best friend on the West Coast whom I share so much in common with.  We met over the death of one of our good friends and its been history since.  You know when they say theres one person for you, this is my one person.  The only thing is he is in LA and I am too big of a chicken to move out there since its so far from family.  Every year we get busy and do not talk for a wile, but then something reminds one of us of each other and its like we never missed a beat.  He knows everything about me and still would do anything I ever asked of him.  I could not have asked for a more perfect best friend.  A California nursing license takes 6 months to get so the thought of my first nursing travel assignment being there is out of the question for right now.

I need to move out.  I am almost 28 and still living with my parents.  I am not complaining because I love having someone in the house all the time so I do not go running into the kitchen with my gun every little noise I hear, but lets face it, its time to move on.  But theres so many if, ands, or buts.  I do not want to rent because I feel like I am wasting my money because I can live at home for free.  I want to buy a house but I am so damn picky and I do not want to spend a ton of money on a house I may potentially have to sell in the future when I get married or meet someone and end up living together.

These thoughts I think about often...I wish there was a clear answer to all of them but there never is.  We have to put our faith in god and hope that the good outweighs the bad and that we make the right choice.  Heck, if we don't, we all make mistakes and can figure it out later.

  

Proud to live another year

A lot of people look back on the year and have regrets and hope for a better year the next.  When I look back on my year I know there were mistakes I made and things I wish did not happen, but I know that all of that happened to make me stronger in the next year.

In January I was pretty sick while training in the NICU.  I had two weeks of a horrible flu and couldn't believe I was that sick.  There were so many times in those two weeks that I wished I could just go to sleep and wake up again when I felt better.  However, I always thought of the children with cancer and how they felt 10x worse that I did and it was just a small sickness compared to what they go through.

In February I struggled to work days while training in the ICU.  I am so glad that I had a struggle because I got put on nights with the best preceptor ever.  I learned so much, had some really interesting patients, and developed my love for the ICU.

In March my manager told me that she wanted me to become PALS  (Pediatric Advanced Life Support) certified so that I could become a SWAT nurse.  I put that in the back of my head because I had just started to date someone and had more focus on that.

In April I turned 27 and realized that life was flying by.  I also received an award from Turning Point as Everyday Woman.  This was a true honor and a beautiful banquet for a handful of women who contribute to society in many ways.   It was great to hear Kim Worthy talk about how we all need to come together and unite to help society.  

In May I finished another semester of school and had been a nurse for 2 years.  I also became PALS certified and started training for SWAT nursing.

In June I became a SWAT nurse and decided to go on a mission trip in 2015.

In July I took on a big project, The Beer Tent at the Wyandotte Street Fair for the Jaycees.  In 4 days I helped organize and manage workers pouring beer from 11 am-12pm, raising almost 100,000 for the City of Wyandotte and the Jaycees.  I also graduated with my Bachelor's of Science in Nursing.  

In August my family faced some of the worst issues but it brought my mother and I so much closer.  We had to support one another and learn how to make decisions very quickly.  I also learned that no matter how bad family can act, we are always family and we need to support and help one another.

In September I took my first vacation in a wile.  I also took a job as a part time Nursing Instructor at Children's Hospital for Monroe.  I learned so much about myself  

In October I became the Director of For A Day foundation, a foundation that has been near to my heart for 5 years now.  I did not know why the issues with Camp Quality happened and I kept thinking I needed something else, and that something else happened to be director of FAD.  I am excited to take on this journey and see where we head as an organization.  The guy I was dating for the past 8 months decided that he didnt want to get married or have children in his future so we parted ways and although I was heartbroken, it is what it is.  I just wished we had never dated because our friendship is a bit ruined now.

In November and December I worked a lot of overtime at the hospital and really learned a lot about myself.  I was put here on this Earth to help others and there is nothing more I would rather do than help others.  I learn so much everyday I am at work because I have amazing coworkers.

I also gained the weight back that I wanted to gain to be at a health weight because I have had issues with gaining weight since my gallbladder came out.

I did not buy a house like I wanted to this past year, but that is okay.  I would rather be houseless than living in a house that requires a lot of work and TLC.  When I buy a house I want one I can move into without little work.

I also did not foster a child this year, but next year I will be more ready than I was this year.  I will accomplish the rest of my training in the early part of the year.

2015 will be a great year, I am starting it off with a vacation, I hope to have a great relationship, buy a house, and start my masters of nursing in education.    

What doesn't kill you only makes you stronger

During the past year there were times that I thought God hated me and I was having the worst year of my life.  However, when reflecting back I know that God only gives us what he KNOWS we can handle.  The strongest people have the worst deck of cards handed to them because they can use it to make a change and help others.

January-I am orienting in the NICU and I pass out cold twice.  Influenza B and a week off work.  Body pains, fever, headache.  I thought I was dying.  Why me?  Because I can handle being sick. 

March-I am orienting in PICU on days and I cannot sleep.  Why can I not sleep when I am putting in 12 hours of work and volunteering on top of that?  God had a different plan.  He needed me to go back to nights so I could be paired with an amazing preceptor and be able to learn from some of the best experiences.  My preceptor found me some sick kids to take care of and shared his enthusiasm with me every night.  He believed in me and allowed me to explain myself before he told me what I needed to do if I was wrong.  This is the reason why I have learned to love being an ICU trained nurse.  

May-I am freezing my buns off in the rain volunteering at the Belle Isle race for For a Day and I learn that our director from Camp Quality has been told she needs to resign due to personality conflict.  I am hurt and pissed off that someone is using their power to ruin something that was working so well. Our organizing committee had the whole camp planned out and everyone got along really well, but the executive director had a prerogative.  At this point I realized I needed to step away because I cannot support someone who allows power and personality to get in the way.  I was told that I wasn't there for the kids then if I was not going to attend camp.  Those words hurt.  I do so much in the off part of the year when we are not at camp and to be told I wasn't thinking of them was a stab in the back.  I took not going to camp pretty hard.  This had been my life for 9 years.  I did not realize why this all happened until we fast forward a few months to November and I became the director of For a Day Foundation, God had a different plan.  

August-my fathers alcoholism spiraled out of control and I had to call the police and have him arrested.  I am not ashamed at this point to share this because it is something our family faced and it has saved my family and made us all better people.  My father and I had not had a relationship in many many years and now we do, he actually does not call me fat anymore or yell at me.  He appreciates life and has been sober since August 23rd.  I helped him get registered in a therapy program and found him AA meetings to attend and he has grasped that and changed for the better.  By no means was any part of this easy but by fighting through all the hurt and tears there was an end in sight.  Even though at times I wished him dead because of the alcohol, I had to believe in my faith and not doubt it.  God doesn't want us to ever give up but at some point if we make attempts and cannot succeed he wants us to remember we need to take care of ourselves also.  Sometimes people have to hit rock bottom in order to make a change.  You can only lead a horse to water but you cannot make them drink it.  

October-a relationship was going well went south but only because he doesn't think he wants to get married and have kids in the future and he knows family is very important to me and it is something I want so he wanted to make sure I was happy in the end.  Again, good things fall apart so better things can come together, and they have!

My brand new car gets hit a week after getting it.  Why me?  

December-I am exhausted but I agree to stay 16 hours at work.  A fight breaks out in the room I am working in.  A trauma comes through my room and I get shoved against a wall.  I only get a half hour break in 16 hours.  I am yelled at by many many parents because it was the busiest day in the history of Children's Hospital in the ER.  I am ready to just get home since I have to be up in 4 hours and I get stopped and asked a question by a parent on my way out and then 75 is shut down.  I am cussing, mad, want to be in bed.  I am now thankful after talking to a police friend of mine.  Had I been going through there 5 minutes earlier and that parent did not stop me I could have been one of the cars involved in the accidents with semi's.  

Day 1. My vision became blurry and my head started throbbing.  Day 2.  same thing.   At this point I am scared because blurry vision can be a sign of serious issues.  Thankfully all it is, is the fact my body is telling me to slow down and remember I need to focus on my health too.  

2014 has been a hell of a year, but the year has helped me to become such  better person.  When we feel like the world is falling down on us and we are all alone, we have to remember:

Melted Ice Cream

Today I was really wanting ice cream after dinner so my mother, Finn and I went down to Elizabeth Park to walk and eat some ice cream.

1st I was upset because Elizabeth Park was closed unless you were attending Jazzfest.  I did not want to attend Jazzfest I just wanted to walk the dog and eat my ice cream.

2nd My ice cream came like soup in a cup.  I had to throw half of it out because it was melting all over my car and then I barely ate any because it was literally like warm soup in a cup.

Then I thought to myself, why am I getting upset over something this small?  Too often we get upset over the littlest of things.  It creates stress upon us whether we think it does or not.  My whole focus lately had been to not worry about things that do not have a huge impact on my life.  If it doesn't concern me leave it be.  If it concerns the well being of others, help point them in a positive direction and be nice and leave it at that.  I have been having a lot of chest pain lately and I do not need to create this additional worry and stress upon my heart if its unnecessary.

Our lives are so much better than what we think.  We have roofs over our heads, food in our refrigerator, and at least one friend or family member who loves us.  There are so many people who have none of that.  They have a t-shirt, pair of pants and may eat scraps once a day.  There are people who will never eat ice cream again because they will never be able to afford it.  There are people who do not get to walk.

I am blessed and a little melted ice cream should never dampen my attitude.

2 different lives

I sometimes sit and wonder how different two people can be yet they were raised by the same set of parents.  I learned early on that you never lie to your parents and you always respect them.

I was in middle school and I told my mother I was staying the night at a friends house.  In the meantime that friends boyfriends mother picked us up and we were riding around in her van having fun.  At the time, I wanted to be cool with my friends, however now I realize why my mother was so upset when she found out I was not at my friends house and I was actually out on the road.  What if we had gotten into an accident and my mother didn't have a chance to say goodbye?  Yes, that can happen anytime I am in a car but at least she would know where I am or that I was driving at the time.  This time she did not know I was out and about in car.  After seeing all the kids come into traumas at the hospital, she was worried at the time and I understand why.  I have not lied to my mother since then.  It has also helped me to respect her and let her know where I am at all times so that she is not worried or surprised if something happens to me.  Although I am 27, she deserves the respect of that.  I just wish my sister would have learned the same respect

I have also learned that your mother is your best friend.  Although there has been many times where we do not see eye to eye, she is going to be there for me when I need her.  I have never turned my back on my mother despite her not listening to me about my sister at first or when she had to spend so much time trying to get my sisters life back last summer because I know that there are priorities in life and you have to always change on the roller coaster of life, but at the end of the day a mothers love is the same for all of her kids.  When I had moved out and had a more serious boyfriend than in the past I realized that when I was sick, he wasn't there for me, my mother was the one driving over to take me to the ER when I passed out.  I would never put someone before my mother because she's the only one who knows love for me inside and out.

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